Query Critique

The Original Query:

THE LOST STORY, completed at 80,000 words, is the tragic and triumphant story of Danielle (Dani) Caldwell, an American girl who meets a Cuban boy and falls in love, only to find their world-views divided over the Cuban Revolution.

The story opens in 1980.  Dani’s walking through the streets of Manhattan when she sees a man laying in a puddle on Wall Street, looking half dead, while passersby walk over him on their morning commute.  It’s enough to overcome her; to beckon her to the side of a man she doesn’t know.  She steps onto a metal bench, and as if it were her pulpit, pleads with the onlookers in defense of the broken man.

Some people say a radical is born in an instant, like a crime of passion, but for Danielle, her transformation begins when her mother gives her the gift of travel as a graduation present.  The year is 1958.  It’s the summer before the Cuban Revolution, Eisenhower is in office and there’s still a daily flight to Havana, Cuba.  Each year, a deluge of high rollers, high society and socialites descend on the Forbidden City; known for its legal gambling, glamourous nightclubs and white, sandy beaches. None of which Dani has any interest in experiencing, until she meets Jose Medeiro, a progressive, intelligent store owner who’s smitten with her.

In the heat of the Danze de Amore, under the moonlit skies of the Malecon, Jose breaks down Dani’s walls of reserve and steals her heart.  But when the American mob threatens the future of his family’s storefronts, Jose aligns himself with Fidel Castro, and the two young lover’s stars cross as their worlds collide.

Author Bio:

Name Withheld is a wife, mother and writer.  She has written mostly non-fiction for television, newspapers and websites.  She writes a monthly column for ____.com, focusing on lack of sleep, how potty training can save your marriage and other self-deprecating and humorous tales from the home.  She holds a master’s degree in converged journalism.

Thanks again,

Name Withheld

Contact information

The Query Critique:

Dear Ms. Agent’s Last Name,

THE LOST STORY, (what genre is it? i.e. THE LOST STORY is a YA Historical complete at… Maybe even give the agent an idea of which readers it will appeal to.) completed at 80,000 words. is the tragic and triumphant story of Danielle (Dani) Caldwell, an American girl who meets a Cuban boy and falls in love, only to find their world-views divided over the Cuban Revolution. (This is unnecessary “telling.” Your query letter should “show” the agent what your story is about. I’d totally cut this part out. Also, just as a personal preference, I’d put this down toward the bottom and open with your blurb, unless an agent states they like a more personalized greeting upfront.)

The story opens in 1980.  Dani’s walking through the streets of Manhattan when she sees a man laying in a puddle on Wall Street, looking half dead, while passersby walk over him on their morning commute.  It’s enough to overcome her; to beckon her to the side of a man she doesn’t know.  She steps onto a metal bench, and as if it were her pulpit, pleads with the onlookers in defense of the broken man. (I’m going to pause right here. So far this is a GOOD synopsis, but it’s not really a query. You want your query letter to read like the back of a book blurb.) 

What is your hook? Your hook needs to sum up the main conflict of your novel in a way that makes the reader (agent) want to read more…NOW. 

Example: Main Character has everything a sixteen-year-old could want…except for  _____.  (What is the main driving force of your novel? What does your MC want more than anything? What is the major conflict?)

To really show the agent what kind of novel you’ve written, adding a few extra details will immediately let them know what genre your book is. 

Ex: Jane Doe has everything a sixteen-year-old astronaut warrior wants…except for an alien annihilating spaceship.

Now the reader (agent) is grounded in this being some sort of science fiction or fantasy AND we know there’s a major conflict. An astronaut warrior without a spacecraft is quite an issue; how oh how will the MC go about securing themselves a spacecraft and kick some alien invasion butt? We can also assume it’s a YA book based on the MC’s age.

IF your hook is an “American girl and Cuban boy fall in love during the Cuban Revolution,” you’re going to need to flesh it out a bit more. Highlight the stakes and don’t be afraid to really let your conflict shine. Then build from there in the following sentences/paragraphs. SHOW the reader (agent) this amazing world you’ve built. (I.e. Is Dani a mobster’s daughter? If she is, and her family is threatening Jose, then that spells out MAJOR conflict.) 

Here are some helpful hints/questions to keep in mind while working on your blurb:

What is your hook?

What does your MC want?

What’s preventing your MC from getting what he/she wants?

What choice(s) does your MC face?

What happens if he/she doesn’t succeed?

If you can answer those questions your blurb will be in good shape. Moving along…

Some people say a radical is born in an instant, like a crime of passion, but for (insert her age here) Danielle, her transformation begins when her mother gives her the gift of travel as a graduation present.  (Okay. So I really like this paragraph. I’m thinking you can use this as your opening blurb and flesh this part out a bit more.) The year is 1958. It’s the summer before the Cuban Revolution, Eisenhower is in office and there’s still a daily flight to Havana, Cuba.  Each year, a deluge of high rollers, high society and socialites (using both “high-society” and “socialites” is redundant, eliminate one of those) descend on the Forbidden City; (a comma would work better here) known for its legal gambling, glamourous nightclubs and white, sandy beaches. None of which Dani has any interest in experiencing (why? I want MORE of her personality to shine through), until she meets Jose Medeiro, a progressive, intelligent store owner who’s smitten with her. (Is Jose her age? Is he a mysterious older guy? It’s unclear.)

In the heat of the Danze de Amore, under the moonlit skies of the Malecon, Jose breaks down Dani’s walls of reserve (how?) and steals her heart.  But when the American mob threatens the future of his family’s storefronts (why do the American’s threaten him?), Jose aligns himself with Fidel Castro, and the two young lover’s lovers’ stars cross as their worlds collide. (Is she a mobster’s daughter? If she’s not, I don’t really understand the tie-in with the mafia and how it challenges Dani and Jose. It kinda comes out of left field. How are their worlds colliding? Give the reader a hint more here. What happens next? What do they have to choose? End with the choice your MC will have to make. Does she have to choose her family or her love? And what are the consequences of her choices? You’ve got great bones in this section of your query letter, you just need to add more to flesh out the conflict.)

THE LOST STORY is a YA Historical Romance and is complete at 80,000 words.

Name Withheld is a wife, mother and writer.  She has I have written mostly non-fiction for television, newspapers and websites. (You might want to include which television shows/episodes, newspapers, etc. That way an agent knows if it’s national or local and the size of readership.) She writes I also write a monthly column for _____.com, focusing on lack of sleep, how potty training can save your marriage and other self-deprecating and humorous tales from the home.  She I holds a master’s degree in converged journalism. (Since this is a query letter, writing your bio in first person works well.)

Thanks again,

Name Withheld

Contact information

Okay! So I think with a few more tweaks (and fleshing out some of the details) this will really work. Here’s some of it without all my notes so you have a better idea of what it’ll look like. Take what you’ve got here and build up by applying those questions I mentioned earlier:

The query aftermath: 

Dear Ms. Agent,

Some people say a radical is born in an instant, like a crime of passion, but for Danielle, her transformation begins when her mother gives her the gift of travel as a graduation present.  The year is 1958.  It’s the summer before the Cuban Revolution, Eisenhower is in office and there’s still a daily flight to Havana, Cuba.

Each year, a deluge of high rollers, high society and socialites descend on the Forbidden City; known for its legal gambling, glamourous nightclubs and white, sandy beaches. None of which Dani has any interest in experiencing, until she meets Jose Medeiro, a progressive, intelligent store owner who’s smitten with her.

In the heat of the Danze de Amore, under the moonlit skies of the Malecon, Jose breaks down Dani’s walls of reserve and steals her heart.  But when the American mob threatens the future of his family’s storefronts, Jose aligns himself with Fidel Castro, and the two young lovers’ stars cross as their worlds collide.

THE LOST STORY is a YA Historical Romance and is complete at 80,000 words.

Author Bio:

Name Withheld is a wife, mother and writer.  She has written mostly non-fiction for television, newspapers and websites.  She writes a monthly column for ____.com, focusing on lack of sleep, how potty training can save your marriage and other self-deprecating and humorous tales from the home.  She holds a master’s degree in converged journalism.

Thanks again,

Name Withheld

Contact information

Thanks so much to the author of this (AWESOME sounding) novel for sharing your query letter with me. I hope this crit helps–keep up the amazing work!!!

I’ll be posting a new query letter critique each Wednesday from now through December. (With the exception of the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.) 

If you’d like me to mark up your query letter (or first page) please send your work to Kerri.writes@gmail.com

5 1/2 Things I Am MOST Grateful for This Year.

Since 2011 is winding down and 2012 is almost upon us – I thought I’d share the five and a half things I am MOST grateful for this year. So here we go!

1.) I am grateful for the writing community. Writers are a special group of people; Maybe even the best. (I might be biased, though.:)) They pick you up when you feel buried in rejection. They force you to do ALL THE THINGS you think you can’t do. They endlessly cheer you on – it’s kind of like having that REALLY REALLY GOOD friend who holds/held your hair back while you are/were praising the porcelain bowl. I digress. Really, I don’t know how I’d manage the publishing journey without all of you, my wonderful writing friends. You are the sun that my world revolves around and I heart you so, so much.

2.) Manuscript Critters and beta readers. HOLY CHIPOTLE GUACAMOLE. You guys. NO SERIOUSLY YOU GUYSSS. You know who you are, and I’m so grateful to have had your magical/awesome/sparkly eyes on my work. My book would be NOWHERE near as awesome without you. AND SERIOUSLY I MAY NEVER EVER KNOW WHERE ALL THOSE PESKY COMMAS GO BECAUSE I HAVE A TENDENCY TO RAMBLE IN REAL LIFE, TOO. Thank you for making me be the best writer I can be. I’m totally giving you a semi-awkward squeezing-the-life-out-of-you GINORMOUS hug right now. No really, I am.

3.) My social networking crew. Including my blog friends, my tweet hearts, and everyone that reads my music column. I am so awed by how amazing you all are, thank you so much for sharing almost every single day with me on the interwebz. You bring laughter, warm sunshine and fluttery butterflies into my soul. I’M SO SERIOUS. I heart you all so much more than you will ever know. Thank you for all the silly banter, book recommendations, #WW’s, #FF’s, the INFAMOUS PANTY MEME, random musings on life and creativity, and of course the fabulous #GOATPOSSE. You enrich my world. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

4.) My parents, my sister, and my friends. What can I say? You guys are the fairest of them all. You support me when I shut myself off from the rest of the world. You allow me to go MONTHS without coffee talk, or normal people stuff like doing laundry, getting dressed in real people clothes, and EVERYTHING ELSE I neglect while I’m balls deep in a project. You allow me to chase after my dreams, and are there for me no matter what. How blessed am I to be surrounded by such amazing people all the time? (Or, realistically, when I’m out of my reclusive hermit shell.) Thank you for giving me the freedom to spread my wings and fly. You never cage me, and one day I can only hope to repay all of you for your unwavering love. I love you all so very much.

5.) I am also grateful for: Dark chocolate covered marzipan squares. I know, I know..RANDOM. BUT BUT BUT this little lactard can’t indulge in milk chocolate treats, and I just found this place that delivers the best BEST BEST chocolate covered marzipan in ze whole entire UNIVERSE and therefore, it makes the list of things I’m super grateful for. Also, i’m grateful for run-on sentences apparently. BUT OMG THE CHOCOLATE IS SO GOOD I CAN’T HELP BUT SAY SO MANY THINGS WITHOUT PUNCTUATION BECAUSE CHOCOLATE AND WRITING GO SO HAPPY FACED TOGETHER, THEY REALLY REALLY DO. O.O

5 1/2.) To everyone who has asked where they can purchase or review my book this year, your faith in my ability to create a world you’d want to spend an entire day in is humbling. I can’t even express to you how incredible you make me feel. YOU KEEP ME GOING – I am so beyond grateful for you. Hopefully 2012 will bring some publishing news that I can share. Until then, I’m CRAZY lucky that you are here to fill my heart with so many amazinggggg feelings. I am giving you a bone crushing bear hug, which is more pleasant than it sounds. Pinky swear. 😉

Happy holidays to you and your family and everyone you love. I hope the coming year brings you everything your heart desires and more. <333333

(Yes, the comments on this post are closed. We can totally hug each other later in the week.)